And it's done...

Well, I made it to 7.5 months of being quit. However, life got waaay too stressful for me last week. So many things all at once, and trying to stay quit was just adding one more stressful thing to the list. I broke down and smoked a few. A few turned into quite a few, and poof, I'm back on.

I will be continuing to post here though. I will be determining my next quit date, and gonna try to make it stick again. It's not a failure if you are willing to try again.

Not a good one...

Ok, I'm at day 170 today. However, here are my issues TODAY.

I'm not even going to focus on yesterday or the day before, or even the weekend that has past. Those days all had their stresses that took me to the edge.

I looked over the edge, that much I can say. I thought about giving up and starting to smoke again, but I talked it out with many many folks. I still didn't light up.

Woke up a bit headachy, a little sick today, so I stayed home again. I have lots I can get done around the house as long as I actually do it.

So, I did lots of thinking (I'm doing that too much lately) and I came up with some points that I need to post about...

- By quitting smoking, I have saved some money, enough that I bought myself a PS3, however, since that purchase, I have not put any more money aside, it's being spent elsewhere now.

- By quitting smoking, I haven't had to smell like stale cigarette smoke to others around me. However, I have realized with others that smoke, the smell doesn't bother ME as much

- By quitting smoking, I haven't had to go outside at work and be chilled or wet just to have a smoke. However, I have missed the comraderie of the other folks that I used to hang out with.

These are just some examples. I know they aren't very valid or anything, but those are some examples I'm coming up with lately.

My reasons for quitting were not valid reasons, I can tell you that. But there are reasons to stay quit. That much I know.

Now I come to my issue. My big issue.

I'm feeling like I'm going insane lately. I have been putting all my effort, and all my energy into keeping this quit. I have to FIGHT to not smoke. I mean literally fight inside my head almost ALL the time just to not smoke.

I should not have to be in a constant battle. I have quit before in the past. I had quit for 6 years. I remember that quit vividly...after about 3 weeks quit, I never thought of cigarettes again (until 6 years later of course). This time, it's not working for me.

I need to find a way to make it work for ME, and not anyone else. If I can't figure this out soon, I *will* crack. I know this. I'm going to try and hold on as long as I can...I've come a long way, but it doesn't seem like enough....

Five months, two weeks, two days, 2 hours, 41 minutes and 40 seconds. 3382 cigarettes not smoked, saving $1,353.23. Life saved: 1 week, 4 days, 17 hours, 50 minutes.

Time flies...

But not really. Time is slow. Time is actualy a constant I think, but still.

Today is an anniversary day, so I figured I should post something to my blog.

As of 7 AM this morning, I have officially been off the cigarettes for 5 months. 5 Months is a long time when you think about it. It's not quite as long as a year, or even half a year, but 5 months goes by very slowly when you are kicking an addiction.

Over the last 5 months I have been tested. Oh boy have I been tested.

Those that have been following the blog know *SOME* of the trials and tribulations I've gone through in this quit, but let me tell you, there are MANY more that were not discussed on this blog.

It's been a strange trip for the last 5 months, but I've come this far. The most common question I get, from non-smokers, ex-smokers and even current smokers. "Do you still get cravings?" To which I can only reply "do you get the craving to breathe?" I had smoked for long enough that it became second nature to me. So do I get cravings. Yes, but I don't really see them as "cravings" anymore. There are "triggers" that set me off.

Let me take recently for an example.

I went to a party with a bunch of friends. Some of whom smoke. Well, last year at this party, I was a smoker too. So I would go outside with them, have a smoke, then come back in to warm up, and have a drink. This year, I had that drink, and then thought, oh, I should pop out for a smoke. I had to tell myself mentally that I don't smoke anymore. But then guess what happened...my inner nicodemon started trying to rationalize the "just one" mentality. I wouldn't let him win. I came close mind you. Once I had about 10 drinks of scotch and a few beers to go with it, I was ready to give in. I survived. I *DID* go outside once, but that was simply to cool down a bit. As soon as someone came out to smoke, I went back inside so I wouldn't be tempted.

Then, as another one, this past weekend I was at a Sens Skills competition. Again, I was there last year. I think this may have been my first time at the arena as a non-smoker. Anyway, going into the arena, I had to tell Pattie that she may want to have her smoke now as I'm not sure if the smoking deck is open during the skills (there is no intermission). It was a reaction for me. Remembering that you must smoke beforehand. Was I tempted to have a smoke? Not as much as the party, but yes, it was there in the back of my mind.

All this is to say that I have started to become stronger than the cravings. I just have to keep my guard up a bit, and be sure not to let it get the better of me.

I will survive, I will not smoke. It is not an option. Right?

Cheers!

I have been quit for 5 Months, 2 hours and 24 minutes. I have s not smoked 3,062 cigarettes. I Quit: 9/9/2009 7:00 AM.

Long days ahead

It's been a while since I've posted here. Things started looking up for me after the 100 day mark and then the 4 month mark.

Today however, I got word that my Grandfather died. As much as I've known that this day was going to come, it was still a shock when it happens.

I've been having a rough time today fighting off the urges to just smoke. Give in and just do it again. I know in my mind it won't help, but it still isn't stopping the craves the way I had hoped.

That's why I'm writing.

In times like this, I'm remembering my Grandpa. I remember when I was young and would go out on the boat with my grandparents and have a great time. I was allowed to drive the boat regularly. I had a great time out on the water, just enjoying the time I had. We would play cards on the boat, go fishing, or go swimming. We would travel down to Alexandria Bay once in a while on the boat. I was probably happiest when I was out on the water.

I also remember the times we would play cards at their house and have lots of fun. Those were the memories I will keep with me forever.

Even though over the past years I wasn't as close or spent as much time with him, I still miss him and always will.

I know now that the pain you had near the end has stopped. For that I am thankful.

RIP Grandpa.