Not a good one...

Ok, I'm at day 170 today. However, here are my issues TODAY.

I'm not even going to focus on yesterday or the day before, or even the weekend that has past. Those days all had their stresses that took me to the edge.

I looked over the edge, that much I can say. I thought about giving up and starting to smoke again, but I talked it out with many many folks. I still didn't light up.

Woke up a bit headachy, a little sick today, so I stayed home again. I have lots I can get done around the house as long as I actually do it.

So, I did lots of thinking (I'm doing that too much lately) and I came up with some points that I need to post about...

- By quitting smoking, I have saved some money, enough that I bought myself a PS3, however, since that purchase, I have not put any more money aside, it's being spent elsewhere now.

- By quitting smoking, I haven't had to smell like stale cigarette smoke to others around me. However, I have realized with others that smoke, the smell doesn't bother ME as much

- By quitting smoking, I haven't had to go outside at work and be chilled or wet just to have a smoke. However, I have missed the comraderie of the other folks that I used to hang out with.

These are just some examples. I know they aren't very valid or anything, but those are some examples I'm coming up with lately.

My reasons for quitting were not valid reasons, I can tell you that. But there are reasons to stay quit. That much I know.

Now I come to my issue. My big issue.

I'm feeling like I'm going insane lately. I have been putting all my effort, and all my energy into keeping this quit. I have to FIGHT to not smoke. I mean literally fight inside my head almost ALL the time just to not smoke.

I should not have to be in a constant battle. I have quit before in the past. I had quit for 6 years. I remember that quit vividly...after about 3 weeks quit, I never thought of cigarettes again (until 6 years later of course). This time, it's not working for me.

I need to find a way to make it work for ME, and not anyone else. If I can't figure this out soon, I *will* crack. I know this. I'm going to try and hold on as long as I can...I've come a long way, but it doesn't seem like enough....

Five months, two weeks, two days, 2 hours, 41 minutes and 40 seconds. 3382 cigarettes not smoked, saving $1,353.23. Life saved: 1 week, 4 days, 17 hours, 50 minutes.