Rough weekend

I had a very rough weekend. I was in Union meetings all weekend (first ones as a non-smoker). I was used to going outside for stress breaks and what not. This time i pushed through. And let's not forget the amount of drinking that goes on at these events. Wowsers. I was sure I was going to crack, but I didn't. I pushed through and made it.

Yesterday, no meetings, slept in a bit, it was nice. Was talking with my girlfriend as we went out for the day (church in the morning, then to a hockey game, then out to dinner then home). Very full day. She was asking me about it as I am on my second last day with a patch. I said that I was still getting cravings, but not quite as often. She was really inquiring wanting to know what was setting off my cravings. She was just curious and wanted to understand what was causing it. I don't fault her at all for that. But ya know what? Talking about it was making the cravings come faster and faster. After a few minutes, all I could think was, "when are we getting there so I can have a smoke"...

The rest of the day was like that. Triggers were at an all time high and I thought, screw it, I'm just gonna start smoking again. I really don't care what others think, this quit is HARD.

I was fighting in my brain and realized, I don't wanna throw this all away either. Oh yeah, I'm on Day 62 now. Not day 2. Day 62. I'd throw away 2 months of quit time. But ya know, having 2 months in is NOT a safety net by any means. And I've done good to my body in those 2 months. I can feel that I've done good to my body.

Anyway, I told her that I couldn't talk about it right now as I feel like smoking and don't wanna break down. She asked one very good question and I've had to contemplate it.

"What has made this quit so much harder than your last time?"

I asked for some time to think about that question. It turned out I didn't need much time.

Last time I quit, my father was in the hospital with cancer. Didn't take much for me to want to quit at that point. Yes, I started up 5 years later, but the quitting wasn't quite as bad. The real reason this time??

I didn't want to quit.

I was not ready to quit smoking this time. I did it out of pressure. At least perceived pressure. This time I had to quit. I tried earlier in the year actually, and that only lasted a week. But I digress. This time, I didn't want to quit.

I did it anyway, but that's in the back of my mind. I only state this as that is one of the important factors in a successful quit. You have to want it. If you don't want it, you may let it slide.

That's my ramble. I still haven't smoked, but man the urge is getting stronger by the minute.


I have been quit for 61 days. I have saved approximately $488.29 by not smoking 1,220 cigarettes.  My Quit Date: 9/9/2009 7:00 AM.